Glastonbury Festival

Glastonbury Festival is a place like no other, sunny or muddy!  I heard people talk of ‘the magic of Glastonbury’ but only understood this when I got there. I first took Ellen to Glastonbury Festival on 23 June 2010. It was her 16th birthday, the last day of her GCSE’S. We had the best time! A magical week, a game changer. She was excited beyond belief! 

What we expected but we got sunshine!

I remember wanting to go there when I was pregnant with Ellen. The Levellers played that year who were to become one of Ellen’s favourite bands. I lived in Saltaire and was good friends with my lovely neighbour Kirsten one door down. She went and when she returned home my beautiful summer solstice baby had been born. I always called her that because of the date she was due. In fact she was two days late. My amazing girl. I remember the full moon shining as I drove myself to hospital in labour (yes I actually did and laughed to myself about the scenario of getting stopped by the police for speeding……). 

In 2011 we dragged Roger there with great excitement. The fear on his face was  intense! A festival? Are you crazy? Apparently not because he got the bug, who can resist a magical few days in some fields. Anything goes. It is amazing! There is something for everyone and I would be super surprised at anyone going there who came back hating it. We took a Barbie doll armed with a chainsaw in protest of Mattel destroying the rainforests for their packaging. We put it on a giant chair and watched the reactions from people. It made them think and it was fun! Eventually a little girl could cope no more about leaving it there and she walked away with the doll. This made us all smile, she could have been Ellen a few years back from then. For Ellen’s 17‘th birthday she couldn’t believe that we brought wrapped up presents, fresh food and even a birthday cake to a festival in a field. She was in her hippy heaven.

The family! Together at Glastonbury!
She made the BBC footage! ‘Sat on some randommer’s shoulders who was wearing fake breasts’ to quote Ellen exactly……
Chainsaw Barbie!

in 2013 we went again. Ellen was 30 weeks pregnant. She coped with sleeping in a tent and all that came with a festival. The Rolling Stones played and I got her safely back to our tents before the huge surge of the crowd. She insisted that her lovely baby bump was painted with face paints and she sang and danced her way around the festival as if she had come home. She bought her baby boy gifts for her favourite place and she was happy. She even came back to camp with us and gave the ‘Shangrila’ a miss.  Her friend on the other hand partied through the night and we laughed about how our ‘Wild Child’ was now going full circle on the child / parent thing and calling us party animals. 

Ellen and Rog, her amazing parent!

Glastonbury festival would be starting this Thursday the 25th June. This is three years since we lost Ellen. Strangely when we think about the Glastonbury moments we shared with her it does not provoke sadness. We will never go to Glastonbury with Ellen again but I will always remember our times there with so much happiness. The connection is strong because we had those amazing times there. 

A Very pregnant Ellen amused by the cafe name!

Three long years. Every day is a new day and I fill it with the hope that it will be ok. Sometimes the days are hard. So difficult. Losing your child to suicide is suffocating, crushing, devastating. So much pain.

People try to help by saying something kind and that is always appreciated but …. ‘Time. Does. Not. Heal!’ The pain stays the same. I am trapped on a treadmill of the same feelings every day despite the face that I put on a smile most days and summon all my strength to ‘get on with things’. 

‘Please do not be surprised that I have not taken my own life too!’. The people I have around me have been the best. Many of them are Ellen’s friends and I owe so much to them for the way they looked after Ellen and supported her through her darkest times. They have been there for me too and I am so grateful. They have also come together and helped each other. Such beautiful caring lovely humans. 

‘Don’t call me strong!’.  I had no choice. I was dealt a blow that I  never wanted. I want her back every moment of every day. As time goes on it feels as though there is an expectation to ‘get on with things’. To ‘move forward’. Ellen wrote a blog and I truly now understand what she wrote when she said “The most difficult thing about the situation is the pressure to now be well. It could be perceived as a positive thing but also terrifying negative”. I want to be well but the pressure can be huge because people hope that you will feel better. You can function, you can even laugh and smile but the pain refuses to leave.

Glastonbury Festival isn’t happening this year because of Covid-19. There will be so much about it on the tv and radio over the weekend so we will watch Or listen to that instead and be grateful that we can celebrate Ellen at the same time. We will remember with love the magical moments we spent there with our girl and stay up late drinking wine, being wild and dancing. She would expect us to! 

Ellen was not pleased, scared of trolls and pineapples!
A beautiful day!

Ellen’s 26th Birthday is tomorrow and we will celebrate it for her. My amazing sparkly  beautiful girl. I still love her with all my heart. I am excited for the future of her beautiful child who I also adore. We are with him every step of the way and will make sure he knows everything about his amazing mummy. Maybe one day we will share with him the magic of Glastonbury Festival………

Ellen’s Mum. XXX

Mother’s Day (UK)

It is Mother’s Day in the UK today. A day when we celebrate our Mums and our children celebrate us As their mothers. Our gorgeous girl is not here with us but I am sure she is here in spirit, especially for her beautiful boy.

When we moved all her things from her house we didn’t want to dig up her apple tree for fear of harming it. Instead we collected a few apples that had fallen from it and planted their seeds. One of them grew and the other day it sprouted it’s ‘grown up leaves’! I see this as a gift from Ellen, a beautiful thing. Who knows what she would have said this Mother’s Day or what gift she would have brought? I have my little baby apple tree and it is a blessing.

Corona virus is spreading and we are all trying to keep each other safe. It is very hard to see the positives sometimes when we are nailed further and further down because of it but those positives are still there. I spoke to my Mum today; I couldn’t see her but I left her a present and a card where she could collect it. I spoke with my Son and my gorgeous Grandson and am hoping to talk to my other Grandson this evening (My daughter’s ‘cub’). I feel blessed.

My daughter is gone physically but I will always be her mum. She will always be my special girl. A gift to her today was some beautiful roses. I gave her these on behalf of my grandson.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you Mum’s out there. Never past ~ always present. My family has changed beyond recognition and yours may have too. Your Mum might not be here anymore in person like my daughter but celebrate her still as best you can in these difficult times.

Sending love. Try to be positive as best you can. Let people help you. Stay safe.

3 generations ……..


There’s no escaping the fact that this is happening around the world. The corona virus is here for a while longer. It is scaring us by changing our daily routines and altering our lives beyond what we have grown to be comfortable with. We are understandably anxious; things seem out of control and maybe our first instinct is to feel helpless, there is nothing we can do.

WRONG!!! We can do something, we can listen to the advice we are given, we can respond in positive ways, we can still help people and we can let people help us. We can still talk (Very important). We are lucky to have devices and social media to enable us to do this. We can still appreciate the small things just as our gorgeous girl always tried to do when she was going through bad times. When it seems like the virus is winning Mother Earth is healing. We are gathering strength within ourselves to survive, as is She. There are positives everywhere. You just sometimes have to look hard for them.

“In these undeniably scary times, I see beauty in the most profound places. Small acts of kindness and the strength of quality time with lovers can bring me to tears”. ~

………… Ellen could see these positives and it shows through her amazing blog. Despite all the rotten cards that were dealt to her she learned to find a way through by looking for the good. She is still helping people just by having lived. Her writing lives on and we will carry on learning from her. We will get through this together. Take care of each other and look out for the most vulnerable. This means not just doing their shopping and checking in but going all out to stop this horrible virus spreading. Take care of yourself and if it helps to indulge in something then do ….. these are trying times….

Oh and I am only supposing but I think I may be correct in guessing that this is what she would be saying…….. “Fuck you Coronavirus”!

……. Ellen’s Mum

International Women’s Day

Today is International Women’s Day. The campaign for 2020 is #EachforEqual and is about creating a gender equal world. “International Women’s Day is a global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women – while also marking a call to action for accelerating gender equality.“ – source

We lost our beautiful Ellen to suicide in June 2017 at the age of 23. She had been fighting a battle in her mind for a long time. She was an amazing daughter, mother and friend to so many. Ellen believed so strongly in empowering women and equality for all whatever their gender. She had so much more to do………

I was and still am proud of my daughter. She is still teaching us through her writing. Such a wise young lady. On International Women’s Day we are especially remembering her and the powerful message she was sending us.

Ellen’s blog is – keep on reading it and listening to her.

#IWD2020 #EachforEqual

It’s a wonderful life!

Christmas Day will mark 2 ½ years since we lost our beautiful girl. We had her for 23 years and we are grateful for that. Her life was longer than some and shorter than most but she filled those years with so much life, love and laughter. Ellen would come crashing into the house and whatever you were doing would be taken over by a new idea, a plan, a story. Always something new and exciting. She was such a shining light beaming brightly in all the people whose lives she touched.

Last weekend we watched the movie directed by Frank Capra ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’. I have seen it before but this time I paid it more attention that usual. It tells the story of someone who is about to take their own life and of an Angel (Clarence) who is sent to save him by showing him the difference he made by having existed.

Ellen maybe didn’t realise the impact she made on people and the difference she made in their lives. I really wish she could have realised this in the moment that she chose to leave. I wish her angel had shown her what she had already done and what the world would look like if she had never existed. She had so much more to give. I wish she had waited for the morning…… there is new hope with every sunrise.

Whilst I always knew how brilliant my daughter was the last 2 ½ years have shown me just how brightly she really shone. She gave people confidence, hope, joy and always kindness. So many people have contacted me and shared their stories of how much of a difference Ellen made to their lives. Some have dedicated business ideas to her, some have told me that the direction of their lives changed beyond recognition from the path they thought they were going to follow before they spent time with her. This makes me so proud of my girl. I will never stop being proud of her and all that she did in those 23 years.

We all have a wonderful life and we all make a difference. Whatever you think about yourself there will always be someone somewhere to whom you have made a positive difference. I wish more than anything that my daughter was still here but she lives on in all the people whose lives she changed just by being here.

Reach out to someone you think may be struggling. It can be so hard to make that call. When you are in a dark place it can be so hard to reach out. …..

Problems can be solved. They are temporary. You are needed here! If you need help over the Christmas period reach out. Make a phone call, talk to a friend or a stranger.

Keep on going with your wonderful life!

We leave you tonight with one of Ellen’s favourite Christmas songs …….. Apologies in advance…….!

Anna … Ellen’s mum x