I spend my life caring for other people, I forgot to care for myself. I had been feeling strange for a while. Worrying about everything, having this awful dull ache in my chest every morning, waking up through the night, constantly feeling tired. At the time I just thought everyone must feel like I felt, I didn’t really acknowledge it as being an issue. It took a huge breakdown at work and my doctor sitting me down and spelling it out to my face that I suddenly realised I was seriously not ok.
I am a children’s cancer nurse, have been for 4 years. Almost everyone has the same response when the find out what my job is; ‘that must be so sad’, ‘you must be a strong person to do that’, ‘how do you do it’. Rightly so it is sad at times. But it’s such a happy environment to work in. I work with a team of heroes and look after heroes as well. It’s a privilege and I wouldn’t wish to do any other job.
There was a sad case that I was involved in at work that knocked me quite hard. I had a lot of guilt and sadness trapped inside me for a long time after that I didn’t speak about. I put on a brave face and just got on with it, forgetting that I am still a human. I work in an environment that can at times be heartbreaking and I forgot that it is ok to cry and to be mad at the world when not everything goes the way we want it to.
I cannot say for sure if this was the reason my mental health deteriorated, but I think it was definitely one of the triggers. About 3 months after, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
It took a while for me to come to terms with it all, I was unsure of how people would perceive me. I was unsure whether people would think I was too weak to do my job and I was worried that I would be branded pathetic. None of this was true. I am lucky enough to have an extremely supportive manager and network of friends at work that helped me understand what was going on and to accept it for what it was. And so I was able to start to piece myself back together. 1 in 10 nurse sick days are down to stress related illnesses. The thing with being a nurse is that you can’t do your job when only half of your body is working. Nursing is demanding, mentally physically and emotionally. We all know that the NHS is in a crisis. We are underpaid and overworked. We do long hours and we have to be alert for all 12 of them. I can’t look after anybody if I am struggling to look after myself and so I have had to have time off work which is hard. But self care is something I am teaching myself.
I vowed from the start that my experience would be something that I am always open about. Being open and talking has assisted with getting me out of hard days. I want to help people understand that mental health problems are absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Especially in my line of work. I want to encourage people to talk. If I’d have got things off my chest sooner, I may not be in the position I am today. A problem shared is a problem halved and if I can promote just one person to say ‘hold on a minute, I think I might need a bit of help’ then my experience has been worth it. I can’t help having anxiety and depression in the same way that someone can’t help having diabetes. My mental health doesn’t define who I am, but it’s a part of me and I won’t hide it.
Alone we are strong. But Together we are stronger.
This is Ellen (Grace Kelly) who wanted to dedicate the rest of her life to helping people with mental health problems. She wanted to start a company making soap with healing properties, essential oils and healing stones. Ellen could see the gaps in the services available due to her own experiences and thought it was unfair that so many people were suffering with poor mental health and insufficient help. She kept on trying to get people to openly discuss things and start a conversation about it all. She would be amazed at how things have progressed conversation wise since she made this video blog post in June 2017.
Ellen had come so far herself and helped so many other people just by being determined and most of all by being her but she succumbed to her own mental illness only days after she made this video. If only she had re-read her own very beautiful words that night…..
“I am almost brought to tears of how thankful I am for my progress, for the person I have become and the way my life has changed. I am thankful for my mistakes, my faults. I have fucked up enormously and at twenty-two, I’m free. I would use meditation to escape my problems for ten minutes, to settle my mind, to understand that whatever is going on isn’t equivalent to the apocalypse. Then without noticing, I gradually interpreted it into everyday life. Having a shower I would breathe in the lathering soap caressing my skin, I’d be slow. Or realising how much I love to cook, using different oils, vegetables, seasonings. To smell, eat slowly, enjoy the sensations that I’m experiencing. I’m in love with simple things again”. Ellen Scott 2017
Please share this video and the rest of Ellen’s blog. www.ellenscott.co.uk Let’s keep this conversation going and keep on making the difference that she was trying to make. Lets campaign for better services for people like Ellen or me or you… We all have a brain and we all have ‘mental health’.
The World Health Organisation’s World Mental Health day was Wednesday but Mental Health is something that we need to think about every day. We can’t escape from our own minds although sometimes we try. Continue reading “Life Hurts”→
I should write a book …or a song (maybe) ‘possibly’ I will! Every week there are new surprises, new highs and new lows; new stories and new ideas. It is only Monday and already there have been some of these. This week I have decided I am going to write a book or maybe a song. Continue reading “I should write a book…”→
I’m guilty of having unrealistic expectations of life due to the amount of time I immerse myself into the fabricated world of film and the pleasure I find in attempting to recreate staged narratives into candid parts of my life. In film you can be anything, as long as you fit it in to a well thought out and flowing stream of frames per second that doesn’t drag itself out, much like the Avengers franchise (sorry guys). Continue reading “Marvel, DC, and Me”→
I sit here and write this entry while Nag Champa incense burns in the background – the last thing my dear friend bought me which I cherish each time I light one.
Five years ago, I had the pleasure of experiencing Glastonbury festival with Ellen – and may I add that she was six months pregnant so a slightly more hormonal Ellen than usual! Continue reading “Something Good…”→