It is 27 years today that my daughter was born. I like to think of it that way rather than ‘she would have been 27 today’. It feels more positive, it feels as though she is somehow still present. I still see her everywhere I look, the shadow of her, her smile, her poise, her beautiful soul. I see her in flowers and nature, I hear her infectious laugh and I see her sparkle in the sunshine, in light and love. We see her beautiful boy often and we will never give up on him, he has lost too much already. “Grandmas never give up” he said! We never do….
Today is Ellen’s birthday. I will celebrate it at home with Rog. Someone I was in contact with has covid so I will stay at home. I won’t go to her graveside and nor will I go to the gathering we had planned with her friends and family. Saturday is the celebration gathering and I have every faith in them to raise a glass….! They will sit with her today holding each other up and enjoying the beautiful memories. They never fail her.
My daughter and I have some incredible friends. They kept her going through some very dark times and they have been such an amazing support to me since my daughter died. They keep me going too….. Already one has offered to take flowers to Ellen for her birthday on behalf of us, her parents. I always try to make sure there are flowers there for her. Sometimes I sit next to her and think or read a book. Sometimes I rush up there to leave flowers then leave as fast as I arrived. Sometimes the weather is wild and trying to blow my van doors off. You can see Top Withens from the cemetery. I always go. It’s the perfect place for her.
Today feels wrong that I can’t go to be near her but then she isn’t just there she is always here with me in my head and my heart. The days feel surreal, like I am living in a nightmare; I hope to wake up and find it is all a bad dream. Recently I came across some writing about a pair of shoes. I wear these shoes every day and it is a gentle explanation of what it feels like to be someone like me. Someone who carries on despite feeling so bad that some days it feels impossible. Other days are ordinary, some are good, some are fantastic but the shoes still hurt. We laugh and smile and sometimes because of that the shoes don’t hurt as much….. read it and you will inch towards an understanding of how it feels.
I am determined to make today a good day and remember all the beauty and love she spread around the world since this day 27 years ago. 🌕
Happy Birthday to my Gorgeous full moon girl! Love you!